feria del libro madrid 2005

I planned on taking a shower and then heading to bed, but that plan didnapos;t work.� Itapos;s 12:53 and Crossfade is pounding into my eardrums. I have no idea how to put how I feel or whatapos;s bothering me right now into this entry. Things are so scattered, and I am unable to get everything in place. Iapos;m getting worse at hiding my feelings in public. Yesterday at the fundraiser, I bawled like a little baby in front of everyone. But of course they didnapos;t notice, I put my face inside my shirt and said I was just tired. They fell for it, thank god.� My family says mean things, yet I�take them seriously. They donapos;t know what iapos;m hiding underneath my skin. I know other people have it worse then me. I hate complaing like this, so I guess I could talk about something else- Aaron Gordon, perhaps?

As of yesterday, I can call him mine. Whether this is with roleplaying or real, iapos;m trying to not mess it up. I feel so much pressure to make him happy, I�feel as if it is pounding on my shoulders. I know how fragile he is, I just- I want to make him brighter. Elena seems to be doing a good job at it. Her words flow so perfectly. And she finds the right words to say to him- the words I have been searching for for months now. I wish I could say the right words that mean something. Something he understands. He is beyond what I want, what I need. I want him here next to me so I wrap my arms around him and maybe the right words will come out of my mouth. I need my lips on his, and maybe thatapos;s all that would need to be said. My body is yearning for his hands cupping my face, telling me he is here and that he will take me away from everything that is causing me pain here.

� I should stop before I sound more pathetic than I feel. The rest of what I want to say is going to Kaelyn right now. Iapos;m more than happy to have her in my life. My eyelids are finally feeling heavy. I guess this is all.

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